My Life, Shut Down

Much of the federal government has been “shut down” (unpaid) for a month now, and of course, it has had direct impact on my everyday life. Yes, I’ll get paid when this cruel shutdown is over, but right now, there is no foreseeable end in sight. We are (normally) a two-income household, and one of us is still getting paid, so we are luckier than many. Even still, we have to be careful with our choices and tighten the belt substantially. Here is a glimpse into what has changed for me since it began.

Food. We are using up pantry and deep freeze items, including the stuff that has been in there a long time for a reason. That Kix cereal my little guy wanted because it had Paw Patrol on the box but didn’t actually like? Forcing myself to eat it before I buy myself a new box of cereal. I’ve already used up frozen leftover Thanksgiving mashed potatoes and Christmas ham (making shepherd’s pies and split pea soup, respectively). I buy far fewer fresh fruits and vegetables, because I don’t want to waste money by having them spoil. The things like pasta and potatoes that we are using up aren’t necessarily the healthiest, either. It’s widely known that low-income households eat less healthy, and this is one reason why. Our grocery list has been whittled to the essentials.

Health. I have chronic illnesses that require continual care, My treatment right now includes multiple modes of physician-recommended physical therapy, on an ongoing basis, along with periodic medical appointments. I’ve had to knock back my main physical therapy to once per week and discontinue the other two therapies until I am paid again. The last time I did that, my pain and mobility issues degenerated so much that I am still feeling the effects a year or two later. I postponed refilling some medication from December to January so that the new Flexible Spending Account year would kick in and cover the costs. The dentist told me that I need a crown, but it definitely will have to wait. Luckily, he thinks we are in time to save the tooth.  So far.

On the optimistic side, I do have more time to make physical exercise a more routine part of my day. That said, it’s actually harder for me to get a routine going now. When I’m working, I have to run early in the morning, because it is my only guaranteed window of time. Now, I can tell myself that I can run anytime, which makes it much easier to procrastinate and then lose my chance. I’m working on forcing myself to a running schedule despite an absence of other scheduling in my life.

Travel. Our gift to our little guy for his birthday is an Amtrak trip and overnight hotel stay, pretty much solely for the purpose of the Amtrak ride. He’s big into trains, you see. Because it isn’t tied to a specific event, because he has been patient, and because it’s not a necessary cost right now, we have postponed the trip (which would have been this weekend). Imagine, relying on your 4-year-old’s patience when telling him that you don’t know when we get to go on the train.

That’s the first to fall, but there are more. Sending my Chiefs fan of a husband to a playoff game wasn’t even something we could seriously consider, though we would have under normal circumstances. It’s time to book accommodations for our summer trip to Michigan, but I’m putting it off to avoid paying deposits. I have a LauraPalooza conference to attend on my own dime this summer, and again, it’s time to book things like flights, but I’m putting it off. Some of these will be done when paychecks return, but it could cost me in higher prices for flights and reduced availability of already scant options for lodging in Michigan.

Activities. Some locations in our area are beginning to offer free admittance to (furloughed) federal employees. We attended a home and garden show this weekend, though our free tickets were from a mail offer rather than my furloughed status. We have circled the Harlem Globetrotters on our calendar, and on a good-weather weekend day, we can head to the zoo. We also have spent a couple of weekend afternoons at the library – though, to be honest, we would have done that, anyway. It just helps that it’s always free. The search for free activities started slowly but has been mounting.

We have maintained a few bits of normalcy, though. We had a couple of quick road trips over the holidays to visit family and friends that we kept. We have had a date night or two, because nurturing our marriage still is of high priority. I guess that means we have areas where we can still tighten the belt if we start feeling a greater pinch.

Mental health and coping. Being home this much is not normal for me, and I am out of sorts. My moods have ranged from irritable to sad to my usual cheery self. The house is the cleanest and most organized it has been in years, and yet I feel like I’m just roaming through the days and not accomplishing anything of note with all of this time. Many of the days just seem to disappear in a haze of running errands, cooking, cleaning, and web surfing. I’m aware that I’m spending too much time on social media, and yet I feel drawn to it as a way to connect with my colleagues across the country. I’ve been seeking opportunities for side income since about the second week of the shutdown, and the one that I found may give me more purpose and value again. It’s not enough, though.

How am I doing? I appreciate everyone who has asked me that directly. My quippy answer is, “Broke and bored!” My serious answer is that I’m fine. And I am. I’m staying busy and doing my best to find opportunities to socialize outside our home. We are OK financially – not ideal, but we aren’t facing the hardships of many of my colleagues. We are cutting corners but not suffering. We recognize the privilege of our position. And yet, my world is unstable. Every day, I wait and watch for word that there will be an end in sight, and I am let down. Every day, I tally the work that will wait for me when I return to work and how big of a hurdle it will be to spin back up. My world begs for its routine to be restored, and with this much daily uncertainty, I can’t get one established in the interim. My energy and skills are being wasted, and resources are being wasted. How far will they deteriorate by the time I return?

And then the TV broke. Damn.